jealous or not jealous that is the question
Ok maybe you girls are right. Maybe I am being a little too jealous or is it that I’m insure. Whatever it is…I have no explanation for it. I just can’t help it. I guess the main reason I have is that I’m afraid. Afraid of loosing him. I try not to show it but I guess he kinda feels it. And the worse part, he and I might not be going for the overseas trip that I was looking forward to. Once reason being my mom and uncle being pain in the ass again. And second, I blew my budget this month and didn’t save for the trip. So…I’ll be stuck in Singapore haiz….is it so wrong for me to go on an overseas trip…come on I’m 23 going 24. I’m a grown women let me have my space! But NOOOOO…these people have find pleasure in making my life miserable.

I had a fight with my twin. Ya I know what else is new. I really couldn’t take it this time. She broke down my door. YES she broke down my door. And my mom took her side and said I was at fault when she didn’t even know what the hell happened. All she knows is that I hit my twin and that I’m the evil one. My uncle keeps telling me just ignore. I have been ignoring for the past 10 years. How long more do you want me to just shut up. Than again even if I do speak up I’m in the wrong again. Sometimes I feel like just packing my bag split. Just like what my brother did. But my weakness is that I cant see my family suffer. EERRR!!! Why do I have to be so nice when they treat me like shit.

Anyway work has been alright. Took leave on Wednesday to rest my leg and do my monthly grocery shopping. After which I went for acupuncture. Hehe I was like a small kid. I hate needles and I had 2 of them poke into my ankle. I thought it would hurt but it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought. I just hope after this my leg would be better…and my mom never once asked what happened to my leg. I guess I’m just a piece for cloth…when needed they use me. When not needed I’m thrown aside. Oh well, that’s life right. I hope I can hold on and not loose my head for the next ohh…3 years. After that I’m on my own…girls thank you for the moral support. I really appreciate it.

Hey its been awhile since I blogged. Looks like the only time I can blog is on the weekends. That is if I have the time to.

Early in the week, things were fine. Work was also okay, starting to like it. But recently things started to take a dip. My grandmother’s condition was getting worse. And my mom, she was admitted to the A&E on Thursday. My mom has been complaining of chest pains for the past few days. I have told her not to work. But no she wouldn’t listen. On Wednesday I left work an hour early cause my grandma wasn’t doing very good and she kept calling for everyone. So my mom thought it would be good if I went to see her. Than Thursday afternoon I got a call from my uncle saying it was urgent. My mom had gone for a check up at the polyclinic and they referred her to TTSH A&E. I had to take urgent half day leave to bring her over. By the time she got put under observation I was damn tired. I thought since there was nothing much I could do and since I in a really bad need of a shower, I would go home and rest for awhile and have my twin take over my place till 11.30pm. I thought I would give my eldest sis an update on my mom’s condition. She started screaming at me just because I told her I was heading home for awhile.

HELLO! Her scan was at midnight. What the hell you want me to do? Wait there. Why can’t Nazimah wait and I go home than we switch places? But no you didn’t want to listen to my explanation. What! You think I would just leave mom there and have fun? Even though she controls my life, I have hardly left her alone especially in the hospital! Whatever I do is wrong. When will it ever be right? Wait maybe I know. When I’m 6 feet under ground maybe! I guess than everyone would be happy. One less problem, right?

On top of all this turmoil somehow I feel that I’m also loosing the only person I know I can turn when I just need a shoulder to cry on. Have had this feeling for awhile and usually this kind of feeling scares me and turns me emo. But hey maybe it’s just me thinking too much. But how can I not. Everything I do reminds me of this person. Even the places I go. Even at work. I have taken down the pictures thinking it would help. But it doesn’t. I have to get a grip of my life again. So many things have been happening around me I’ve barely had time to sit down and think straight. The only place I have now is my blog. Which even this I think I have to stop! I have to swallow all this bitterness in silence. So if I don’t update my blog sorry. I know some of you keep track of my blog cause we don’t meet up. Once agaun I'm sorry guys. Anyway I got to go. See ya around soon.

It’s been awhile since I wrote. Things haven’t been as pretty as it seems. It’s been a rough week for me. Not work. Work has been fine. Well, I’m not really up to the standard yet but hey I’m getting there, I guess. Only time can tell. Though I did screw up 2 emails but I’m new and learning. I know it’s not a very good excuse but I know…I know I will get there just like how I got my diploma. I know I can do it. I bet some of guys at my work place are thinking I’m a little annoying because I keep asking about things. I hope they are not. They are actually a great bunch of guys believe me. They are different from the guys I know who are in NS. They are really fun to be with. I would not want to work with anyone else, really.

Anyway about having a bad week. Had a huge fight with my uncle and mom. I don’t why people say I have changed when clearly I haven’t. Why are people so afraid of change? I don’t change because of anyone. I changed because it’s about time. I couldn’t say anything or do anything before cause people at home say I’m useless and worthless and now that I’ve proven that I’m not like that they change and say I’m bad. Why do they make me the out cast. Why the double standard? Why just because I’m twins. Just because I have finally gotten what I’ve wanted it’s wrong. For once I wanna be happy. I don’t want to have to wear a mask every time. For once I wanna be me. I wanna stop being the girl that everyone uses and just throws away like a rag when not wanted. People tell me I should speak up but when I do suddenly its wrong. LEAVE ME ALONE PEOPLE! I wanna live my life the way I want to. I’ve got to learn from my own mistakes. I don’t want to always have a safety net under me when I fall. I want to be normal. I want to fall and get hurt. I want people to stop treating me like child. I’m freaking 23 for god sake. I’m a grown woman. In 3 years I would be married. Like or not you people will have to learn that!

Why cant people just be proud of what I have achieved and say hey you did a good job keep it up. Instead of saying that I did everything wrong when it was right. Why? Right now, I’m on my own. I have made that decision to be on my own. It’s going to rough but hey I’m tough. I will through this. And I know there will always be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. Everything happens for a reason. I shall take this as a challenge to make myself a better person.

feeling EMO
Sometime I feel it sucks being me…this hari raya hasn’t been very fun at all. Been emo for like 2 days now. One because it is confirmed that my re-married to a bitch. When I felt saw her I though she was someone’s maid. Well my dad has always wanted someone who would listen to his every word and bow down to him. I guess a maid would also do than. Second was when I told my mom that I wanted to go out and visit my friends. She gave me her pissed off look. HEY! At least I asked! You don even know what does on with Nazimah. I don bring home a different guy like her okay! I love Hafiz and I want to be with him. But sometimes times like this makes me feel that he deserves so much better than this. No guy deserves to go though what he goes though. Our relationship hasn’t been easy. But Hafiz has kept his cool and I’m afraid. I’m afraid of when he cant keep him cool any more and if he gets bored of me because of what’s happening. I don’t know. I feel so lost. I love him; I want the best for him. I don want to fight any more. I’m tired both psychically and mentally tired. It hurts when I look at his pictures; it hurts even more when I speak to him on the phone. I hurts cause I don’t want to loose him but I feel like I am. Maybe its just me……………this song best suits my emo feeling now...

i wan MSN and the INTERNET!!!
Damn I’ve been working that I have no time to even update my blog. I don’t even have time to go online and I’ve lost contact with most of friends. And what’s worse is that I work in a place with such high security that I don’t have internet access at ALL. AAAHHH!!! I can’t live like this. I need my MSN, facebook and blog. And i’ve been warned to upload my office pictures online. On top of that my boss added to facebook. So this would mean he would know when I log in. If he found out that I logged in during officer hours, I’m a goner. Haiz….

Anyway work is alright. Pretty slow but at least I have somewhere to run to when my mom gives me her attitude. She jus did that to me 2 days ago just because she wanted to go geylang to get a floral arrangement but due to my uncle and I working, we couldn’t make it. So since she can’t go, she gives me the cold shoulder which actually I don’t really care. But what made me pissed off was that she can go back on her words in seconds. She says one thing to me and tells my uncle something else. Haiz….

And the best news I’ve heard is….there is an OVERSEAS TRIP for my department. WEEEE!!! Hmmm…where should I go…Bali, KL, Genting or Batam. I know the last one sounds a little funny right? But rest assure the department I work with will not allow any such thing to happen. And the bad thing about this trip is that I can’t during anyone with me…sad…well that is all the updates I can do for now…I will try to update my blog again soon….